Ice Boxing, and Other Alpha Male B.S.

"People think hockey is a sport. Hockey is not a sport. Hockey is three activities going on at the same time: ice skating, playing with a puck, and beating the shit out of somebody. If these guys were intelligent at all, they would do these things one at a time. First you go ice-skating, then you play with a puck, then you go to the bar and beat the shit out of somebody. The day would last a lot longer, and these guys would have a whole lot more fun." - George Carlin

Years ago, when I first heard George Carlin do his classic bit on sports (according to him, only baseball, basketball and football should actually be considered sports), I found his observation about hockey to be funny, because it was a little bit true.  I've always loved watching hockey, and even though I find the fighting to be unnecessary and, let's admit it lame - these guys would get their butts handed to them if they actually fought someone with training; WWE wrestlers do more damage, and they're faking it - most hockey games feature a small amount of fighting, and a huge amount of back-and-forth, high octane action.   I can overlook the occasional, brief fight (they usually last seconds) as long as I am witnessing a fast-paced, highly entertaining game, with lots of scoring chances, solid defense, and great goal tending.

Now, having watched five consecutive nights in which at least one NHL player a night has tried to ruin the career of one of his opponents, I don't find Carlin's remarks to be funny any more.  You see, humor is funny because it contains truth, but also because it contains comic elements, such as exaggeration, as well.  Years ago, Carlin was exaggerating how much hockey resembled boxing; if he was speaking today, there would be no exaggeration at all.  Players ramming other players' heads into the glass; players launching themselves off of the ice in order to check someone in the throat, face, or head; players punching unsuspecting players from the side, or punching them when they are already lying on the ice; this isn't a sport, it's a bloodsport, with players trying to intentionally hurt other players.  The media has jumped all over the NHL, saying it's out of control, fans have been heading to Twitter and online forums to voice their displeasure over how little hockey is actually being played this postseason.  Players, coaches, and loud-mouthed ex-players who now report for places like ESPN and Sports Illustrated can try to explain it all away by saying, "It's playoff hockey!  Guys are intense!," and crap like that, but you cannot name another sport that features so many players going out of their way to seriously injure guys on another team. 

Or can you?  Didn't the New Orleans Saints just get busted for promoting a bounty system, in which players were given bonuses for knocking other players out of the game?   And isn't it widely assumed that while the Saints were the only ones to get caught, many other teams have had players institute similar, under-the-table bounty systems, as well?   It's easy to single out hockey and say, "Well, there's why no in America really cares about hockey" - but isn't football the most popular sport in America?   Not many fans are up in arms about football players trying to injure other players; hell, according to football fans, "That's just part of the game.  That's just football."

All of which reminds me why I really hate professional sports.  Years ago, when I was in college, I followed my teams - the Celtics, the Red Sox, the Flyers, the Colts, etc. - with a passion that was unrivaled.  Now, I could give a shit.  I have basic cable, so I barely get to see any games.  I check the scores still, but certainly don't get really excited when a team I like wins, or despondent when they lose.  Alpha male idiots have taken all the fun out of sports.  Watch little kids play a sport: they play because they like it.  My son hates the fact that he has to play baseball against other kids he knows; those are his friends on the other team, and he doesn't like winning if it comes at their expense.  Mind you, he still tries hard to win - but he also feels compassion when he is watching his friends lose.  When he plays hockey, he goes after it as hard as anyone else on the ice.  He fights for the puck, and even gives players on the other team a little nudge here and there.  It would never occur to him, though, to try and use his stick to whack another player, or to try and slam some kid so hard into the boards that he falls down and gets hurt.  He inadvertently tripped a teammate once during practice, and spent the rest of the night worried that she was going to hate him for the rest of the year.  Trying to hurt other players is the absolute last thing on his mind, because it's not even in his mind!  I bet most professional athletes felt like my son does at one time or another; yet, now that they are professionals, they try and deliberately injure their peers, just because they play on the "other" team?   Idiot male aggression.   Why not just forget playing the game, and let these jerks fight each other to death like the gladiators used to?  At least it will put a dent in their numbers.